So, i guess i'm in a little bit of a mood. Not feeling too happy at all at the moment.
First of all, i dont want to seem like i'm having a go at anyone, its not aimed at anyone in-particular, except for maybe myself, not in a self-loathing type of way. (I'm quite happy being me)
See the thing is, i really hate confrontations, i cant tell people if they upset me or annoy me or anything, then it happens over and over and over and over and over until all of a sudden i'll explode into tears.
I really hate saying 'No' to people so i do everything they ask me to do, and to be honest i dont mind it, but now and again it just gets to the point where i want to do something for myself, but i hardly get the chance to because im too busy running everyone else around, and i know this is going to sound a bit selfish on my part, but i really get the feeling that no one really cares about me, and what i like to, or want to do, its like i do all these things for people and most of the time it seems to go unnoticed, I realize they all have their own lives, but so do i, and i have to plan mine around them.
Now im not saying i dont want to stop doing these favours all together i just want to be able to make up my own about what i want to do.
Just to clarify the people im talking about here, i really dont mind doing them for you, I love you so much, but i just want to be appreciated a bit more, you go on about me not appreciating you but i do all this stuff for you and ask for nothing in return.
And its not just that, its spending MY money the money that i earn, its like i cant buy anything that i ant because people have a go at it, if i want to buy a magazine i should be allowed to buy a magazine, i i want a 10p mix up i should be allowed a 10p mix up, with out people telling how much it is a waste of money, i work hard for my money, i should be able to spend it how i like. Most of the time i jut feel like hiding away the things i buy because i know what they'll say to me if i show them, which is besides the point really, i share my life with these people and i have to hide away things that i enjoy because i know they tell how much of a waste it is and judge me because it might not be something they like or whatever, i'm actually scared to show them things! Then they how much money i have left, but its not always an ask its sometimes, "bet you've got no money left have you?" when in fact, im quite capable of managing my money, i know how much i can give myself to spent when i paid, and i now much money i need to put away for petrol! You seriously wouldnt think i was 21 years, im nearly 22 and i feel like im about 6! Its not as if my money is wasted on pointless things either, i dont go mad, i like to get myself t-shirt maybe, or a CD even a magazine, i know i dont get paid a lot but its mine and i work for it!
The other thing is, Referring to my last blog, MJ's death. I'm really still finding it hard to believe and i do feel upset it, i feel extremely upset by it if i'm quite honest, and yes, i like listening to his music a lot these days and looking at his pictures, i find it comforting. I dont expect anyone to understand, i know he's 'just a pop star' to most people but to me he so much more, he was an inspiration, an amazing person that did so much for the world and i really admired that as well as his amazing music, so until someone you have loved and admired for the majority of your life passes away, keep your comments snide to yourself, because until then you'll never understand.
I think ive said everything i needed to say here, and as i said at the beginning its not aimed at anyone in-particular, i just wanted to get this of my chest, and i figured this is the best way because if i tried to tell anyone this in person i would cry and only half it would get said.
Anyway its 3:25am and i must sleep.
Thanks for reading!
xoxo
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First of all....who the hell buys CD's these days? If I've inspired this family to do anything its to embrace technology - get ye updated to downloading MP3s! Jeez! lol!
ReplyDeleteThe MJ thing, I hope your not taking me too seriously on! Yeah I'm giving you a bit of a ribbing on Twitter right now, but that's only cos I'm trying to lighten the mood and get ya moved away from the endless tweeting on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...you get the picture! :)
I know what its like, Ayrton Senna was adored by millions - including myself - and his death was tragic and just as much of a shock and yet - and yet - I know that others don't care as much as I do and I don't expect them to, its just one of those things and my expectations have been adjusted to match.
As for the 10p mixups and spending your money on what you like - why shouldn't you I say?? You earn it, you spend it - and anyone who judges shall just have to deal with it in their own way! Now....these favours, now that I know, you know I'm taking advantage of them - can you loan me money and give me a lift into town? Oh and if you could pick me up when I call that'd be great....